Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to ROBIN 2
by FuckMePumps
Summary: Wanna learn how to work your new ROBIN unit? Read the new and improved Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to ROBIN, because even Robin has to have a handbook too! Major Laughs. R&R for update...


**a/n:** Hello duckies! This here is a revised/reposted version of the original "Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to ROBIN!" The staff had a problem with it and had to remove it from the site, so that's why it's been missing for anyone who noticed. And then, I was about to repost it when I find out that the MS word document copy of that has magically disappeared off the face of the earth, so that's why it took me a long time to replace it. And so I finally did, in this new and improved, humor/humor, and rule-abiding version of the original one. So now, go read!

**disclaimer: **I do not own the Teen Titans, nor do I own this format that belongs to Theresa Green.

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The figure crept down the deserted hallways of the building, trying not to make a sound that might awake her housemates. No sane person would be caught dead awake this time of night, but she never said she wasn't crazy.

She used the elevator to reach the basement, and the loud 'ding' of the metallic doors made her want to blow it to bits.

Fortunately enough, she reached the bottom floor without disturbance.

She stealthily pulled out the large package from behind an even larger box, it arrived for her a while ago; she hid it quickly so that no one would notice what she would be doing with something so big from a delivery man.

She tore the wrapping paper and scratched out the sticky tape that had 'Warning: Fragile; stamped all over it, eager to get to her prize.

When she finally opened the box, she smiled at the thing inside it. She had heard about the product since a couple of weeks ago; on TV, on billboards, the Internet, etc. She ordered one mostly for fun only, but now that she had seen it with her own two eyes. Her smile broadened. Oh, it was definitely worth it.

Her eyes sparkled with curiosity when she noticed the little booklet that lay amidst the little Styrofoam balls and popper-plastic.

Taking it and flipping through it, she decided that it was important enough to be taken notice to.

Starting on the first page, she read aloud:

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"**Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to ROBIN**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own ROBIN unit! To make sure he is in proper working order, to find out about manhandling dos and don'ts, and to learn his many, many functions, please study the given handbook.

**Technical Specification:**

Name: ROBIN _(alter ego not specified)_

Type: Teen Titans team leader _(Batman's Sidekick unit not available)_

Site of Manufacture: Gotham City

Height: 5 feet and 7 inches _(not 4 feet tall as earlier claimed by the general CYBORG unit)_

Weight: 130 lbs. _(of pure, oozing muscle!)_

Length: _(n/a. For more information, visit www. sladesdirtysecrets .com) _

**Your ROBIN unit comes with the following:**

(1) Painfully-red tunic with traditional "R" insignia

(1) Pair of hideous green tights

(1) Yellow and black, high-density polymerized steel cape (_ten times stronger than steel! Beat that, Supahman!)_

(1) Pair of black, steel-toed boots

(1) Yellow utility belt _(which also contains signature ROBIN gadgets, such as the bird-a-rang _(1,000,000)_ etc.)_

(1) R-cycle

**Basic Programming:**

Your ROBIN is not only meant for display _(silly people)_. Listed below are only a few of his functions, and soon you will discover the many uses of your ROBIN that will help you around house and home. Note: Your ROBIN is voice activated. Sate your instructions is English, German, Latin, Martian, _(well, any main language, really) _etc.

Crimefighter: Are the police force in your town so utterly, utterly useless? Are your cops just plain flops? Fear not! Your ROBIN unit's main specialty is kicking the butts of robbers, kidnappers, giant shrimps, mutant iguana hybrids, and super villains. OR, you can set him loose in your own dwelling and replace his utility belt with a utility bucket, a bird-a-mop, and a window cleaner-cycle and watch him battle the evil forces of dust bunnies and vomit stains on your imported carpet.

Tutor: Failing in Math? Biology? P.E.? Recess? Everything else? Your ROBIN is here to save the day! Your ROBIN is especially trained in intellectual and academic subjects, taught by the original BATMAN unit himself, and is capable of aiding you in your time of cerebral need. Note: Your ROBIN is also trained to be spy and is a stealth master, so why not just let him help you cheat and save yourself the trouble?

Chef: Your ROBIN is a very efficient and talented gourmet chef, so why not use his one-man catering services to serve in house parties, bah mitzvahs, family gatherings, weddings, or simply for breakfast-in-bed when you're too lazy to get up and will probably let your day waste away sleeping?

Personal Servant: Your ROBIN will readily cater to your every whim. If not, do what everyone else does. Blackmail. Capture the Titans, put your custom-made microscopic probes inside them, and threaten to obliterate them if your ROBIN refuses to be a good little boy. When you have brought him down to his knees, you can make him do anything, e.g. don a fluffy bunny suit and sing the Teen Titans theme song, do your nails in different colors, wash your laundry, and kill random people on the street when you feel like it.

Color Wheel: If you make a few alterations to his bright and colorful costume, you can use your ROBIN as an effective color wheel, used for teaching art to pre-schoolers.

Tourist Spot: Are you broke and want a way to make more money the easy way? Let your ROBIN saunter around your neighborhood block showing his eternal hottiness off, and soon flocks of obsessive fangirls _(and Slade) _will crowd around your house, begging to see your ROBIN. Charge at least $10.00 for your services. Include a Take-A-Picture-With-Robin stand. Precaution: Do not lend or loan your ROBIN unit to anyone, especially a suspicious-looking abnormally tall and buff teenage girl, with a metal black and orange mask with one eye, wearing a tight-fitting tube top that says 'Robin, be my apprentice!'

**Your ROBIN unit is available in the following modes:**

I'm-The-Boss-Of-This-Team-So-You-Better-Do-What-I-Say a.k.a. Dominant Leader _(default)_

Argumentative Jerk

Bigheaded Poster Boy

This-Guy-Is-Not-Slade-So-I-Can-Easily-Bring-Him-Down-Coz-I-Rock-So-Much a.k.a. Competitive/Battle

It's-Slade!111111 a.k.a. Obsessive _(and/or panic)_

Overprotective Friend

I'm-Just-A-Kid-And-Life-Is-Not-Fair _(by Simple Plan)_

Insane, Aggressive and Hallucinating _(locked; see FAQ)_

Note: Any mode that was not mentioned shall be put under the sub-mode category or under 'Locked.' It is sensible to ensure that locked modes stay locked, for the safety and well-being of the ROBIN unit's current environment.

**Relations with other units:**

CYBORG: This laid-back, big brother persona in the Titan's five man team will serve as your ROBIN's friendly rival, and will compete with him in areas merging from the team leader position, in video games, and regarding who will get the last slice of pizza. And according to the Season One episode "Divide and Conquier," the CYBORG unit also thinks that the ROBIN is bossy, annoying, has bad taste in music, and smells like cheap hair gel _(though it's not likely, overgrown tin can!)_.

STARFIRE: The STARFIRE unit is a cheery, cute and naïve girl who refers to your ROBIN as 'my boy,' though not all the time, but especially in the company of Kitten _(also see KITTEN). _She is the ROBIN's current love interest, particularly exaggerated by fans ever since the Season Five episode "Go!" which documents a shared kiss between the two, although there have also been previous hints of the couple. And though is may seem favorable, it is strongly advisable that you do not provide your ROBIN with a STARFIRE when he is under 21 (_because you don't want little spiky-haired, starbolt-shooting little tots running around before their time, don't you?)_

RAVEN: The dark, mysterious member of the Titans has developed a mind bond with your ROBIN during the events of the Season Three episode "Haunted," and after the Season Four arc with heavy Robin-Raven interaction and deep friendship, it is unknown where the series will take them next. Despite ROBIN's current unofficial affair with the STARFIRE, a relationship with the RAVEN may also seem probable, particularly because they are considered soul mates, though not necessarily in the usual romantic sense of the word

_(Quotes: _

_Raven: (sarcastically) Robin, can the music be a little louder? I can still hear myself think. _

_Robin: (pissed) I only turned the music up to drown out all the yelling! (to Cyborg and Beastboy) Knock it off! I can't work with you two acting like idiots!_

_Raven: Great, Robin. More yelling will definitely stop the yelling._

_(Robin and Raven engages in a glaring contest)_.

_:sigh: Good times.)_

BEASTBOY: The BEASTBOY unit seems to have a clash with the ROBIN, maybe because of their contrasts in personality, as showcased by the Season Three episode "The Beast Within" and other episodes in the series. Nevertheless, they have been in the same living quarters for quite some time, so it is very likely that this minor conflict may have developed into mutual respect in both parties _(plus, they both like ham, eggs and orange juice for breakfast, don't they?)_.

BATMAN: The World's Greatest Detective/Black Knight/action figure I secretly keep in my bedroom coz I'm too old to be playing with it is, believe it or not, your ROBIN's one and only mentor! _(Ohmigod! Batman AND Robin definitely did not give it away!) _The guy is responsible for your ROBIN's ass-kicking martial arts moves and analytic mind, and is also to blame for ROBIN's horrible costume.

SLADE: Everyone's favorite psychopath is considered as your ROBIN's arch nemesis _(coz he's too awesome not to have one)_, mostly because of the Slade's obsession with putting ROBIN under him _(ooh, I just discriminated the perverts!) _as his apprentice, ever since the Season One enders "Apprentice I and II _(vague title, isn't it?)_." Upon seeing a SLADE unit, the ROBIN will also unlock his "It's-Slade!111111" and "Insane, Aggressive and Hallucinating" modes, so you better keep watch and protect your ROBIN from him at all costs. Note: On second thought, DON'T get in the way of the SLADE, as you will probably die in the process.

RED X: The RED X was originally of the ROBIN unit's creation in an attempt to foil Slade's plan in the Season One episode "Masks," but since he abandoned it, a nameless, popper-upper guy has donned on the ultra-cool costume of RED X. ROBIN is mentally kicking himself for this mistake, and it is unknown whether RED X is a villain or an ally. Nevertheless, RED X is mad at ROBIN for stealing his Xenothium-powered belt and might return for vengeance _(Season Five spoilers)._

TITANS EAST (Unit Package 1): Even though there is no commendable interaction between ROBIN and Titans East members BUMBLEBEE and MAS Y MENOS, we can only assume that they get along, but ROBIN and East members AQUALAD and SPEEDY have formally met. But as with the BUMBLEEBEE and MAS Y MENOS, the AQUALAD doesn't really benefit ROBIN in any way, so he will just be ignored good-naturedly by our favorite Boy Wonder. On the other hand, ever since their meeting in the Season Two episode "Winner Takes All" _(where we see how much ROBIN rocks and how much he kicks ass) _SPEEDY and ROBIN have developed a healthy rivalry, considering how even the BEASTBOY unit commented that SPEEDY was like a ROBIN clone, that may have developed into a kinda, sorta, pretty much semi-bestfriendship.

H.I.V.E. (Unit Package 2): There is nothing more your ROBIN likes to do when he's angry than to beat the lights out of aspiring supervillains, especially aspiring supervillain students who march into your quiet little home _and _invade your privacy _and_ toss you out the window into that weird, pop-out-of-nowhere lake your island is situated in like a person with no regard for morality would do to a banana peel at a corner of the street that says "No Littering,' _and _steal your super-cool "fashionable" utility belt. And because they have stupid names like "Mammoth" and are haughty, stuck-up and calls people barfbrains for no reason, the H.I.V.E. students take the cake. Note: The ROBIN particularly has a grudge against Jinx. To find out why, go to www. belt-stealers .com.

KITTEN: The face of evil _(to ROBIN anyway) _appears as this blonde, snobbish, girl with a weird taste in guys _(ROBIN's generated computerized voice: Hey! I resent that… I think) _has a huge crush on your ROBIN and has a fondness for screeching "ROBBIE-POO" in the ears of unsuspecting, innocent passers-by. As you might guess, ROBIN does not like being blackmailed into being dragged by a ditzy blonde to her junior prom just because her father likes to raise gigantic moths designed to attack the city and her evil, spiderman-wannabe mutated boyfriend broke up with her, so the KITTEN will be on top of his hate list, even rivaling the infamous SLADE for the position. To see how bad KITTEN really is, ROBIN personally encourages you to watch the Season Two episode "Date with Destiny," only you have to close your eyes at any time he's wearing a tux.

**Feeding, Rest and Cleaning:**

Your ROBIN practically lives on a diet of pizza _(with extra olives and mushrooms)_ and soda, or nonetheless junk food, but that's okay coz he maintains his bod anyway. Unless you really want to, you don't have to provide him with anything more. Feed him thrice a day, with snacks in between.

Your ROBIN will frequently sleep late at night _(pondering the question "Who is Slade?) _and wake up really early in the morning, and as long as you don't notice any sluggishness in his deportment or dark bags under his eyes, he's just peachy. However, you may want to ensure he gets enough sleep sometimes as he needs his beauty sleep to stay young, healthy, and oh-so-gorgeous.

Your ROBIN is, I repeat, a TEENAGER, and will be fully capable of cleaning himself. But if you're dumb enough to try to manually bathe him, it is suggested that you bind him with as much chains, ropes, and locks as possible in all the necessary body parts _(:ahem:), _but in the end, all that will be visible a.k.a. not tied up will be his general head area, which is very little all in all.

**Disposal:**

If you get fed up with your ROBIN and wishes to get rid of him, follow these easy steps:

STEP ONE: Wait for Christmas.

STEP TWO: Purchase a large wooden crate with holes at the top, ribbon, some pretty wrapping paper, scissors and tape.

STEP THREE: Put your unwanted ROBIN unit inside the crate and secure it, leaving no means for escape.

STEP FOUR: Wrap the crate with wrapping paper. Use your imagination and be creative.

STEP FIVE: FedEx your package to this address: Slade's Ultra Secret Hidden Lair Street, In The Abandoned Warehouse At the Northwest Focal Point Lot, Supervillains' Hideout Subdivision, Jump City and include a card that says: "_Dear Mr. Slade, I have become unhappy with my ROBIN and have therefore sent him to you to make as your apprentice. Merry Christmas!11 Love, Me."_

Note: Bad news is, following this procedure might result in the destruction of your hometown approximately two weeks later by an evil army of Slade-bots led by your former ROBIN unit. But on the upside, you will receive a card that says: _Dear Me, Thank you so much for my gift. It was exactly what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Love, Mr. Slade." _Don't you just love thank-you notes?

**Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):**

Q: My ROBIN's costume is horrible. He looks like some kind of walking street light. I swear people just _gawk _at him. Poor guy. Where can I get a more decent one for him? Is he color-blind or something?

A: Yes, it is a sad truth that such hotness be enclosed in such hideous garments. But fear not, for if you're willing to wait 20 years your ROBIN will have become a NIGHTWING by then and will have an awesome costume that suits him. Or you can send him to Slade so he can wear his fantabulous apprentice costume, but that won't really get you anywhere and your town might end up destroyed. But don't be too hard on him. Remember: it's Batman's fault! Btw, the question of whether or not your ROBIN is indeed color-blind remains to be unanswered.

Q: My ROBIN keeps on saying unbelievably bad puns! Should I get him a manual about pick-up lines or something? He HAS to learn!

A: Sadly, this problem came with the model and is irreversible. You might just have to live with it or demand a refund at one of our offices. And no, don't get him a manual. The only manual you'll ever need is the one you're reading right now.

Q: How do I know which ROBIN mine is?

A: The Teen Titans ROBIN's past is still unknown, and you might never find out if he's Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, or just some random guy CN pinched off the street. If you're really curious, do some internet research and read online forums that argue about this topic. You will either end up feeling amused, at peace and satisfied with this search or really pissed at yourself that you wasted the whole day in front of the computer reading about people killing each other verbally over the identity of some guy in tights and not tending to your real life. If so, good for you!

Q: How many weapons/gadgets/"utilities" does my ROBIN have?

A: You will never know.

Q: How many ROBINs can I buy?

A: Due to the popularity of this model, especially among teenage girls, there is a strict implementation rule of only one ROBIN per household.

Q: Is ROBIN a good kisser?

A: Contrary to fan fiction lore, it has not yet been proved that the ROBIN is talented in the area of oral osculation, just like it's not yet proved that SLADE is either a sicko homophobe or crazy psychopath _(which is worse?), _or that STARFIRE and ROBIN can conceive a normal, none-abnormal child considering the fact that the digestive systems of tamaraneans outnumber the ones of humans 9 to 1, or if there can ever be a romantic relationship between SILKIE and BEASTBOY, or if MAD MOD is actually a bitter Russian-Eskimo-raised-in-the-U.S.-with-a-grudge-against-Bush-and-has-Tony-Blair-as-his-idol, if Aqualad can really breathe underwater or he's just holding his breath to impress and steal random people's girlfriends, or if TERRA was telling the truth about the tangy flavor of sushi and ice cream.

But if you want, you may try out the ROBIN's kissing abilities and find out for yourself. _:wink wink:_

**Troubleshooting:**

Problem: Your ROBIN is currently chasing some ugly goth-rocker guy on a motorcycle.

Solution: The first thing you must NOT do is to let your ROBIN give chase on the railing of some bridge, as his R-cycle will only end up blowing apart and your ROBIN with his arm broken in two places. However, if this has already happened, have a RAVEN unit ready to make his arm heal faster with her powers. The second thing you must NOT do is to entertain some chibi-fied, monkey-ish little ROBIN clone that came from another dimension, as he will end up breaking reality and make the city turn into a cartoon drawing. However, if you have already done this, do NOT by all means let your ROBIN and Co. try to get lost in the city and do some pointless chase scene with a giant crayon T-Rex. Afterwards, do not let the ugly goth-rocker guy a.k.a. Johnny Rancid fly around in with "badass" bike and get your ROBIN down. However, if you have managed to fail at this like everything else, get the chibi-fied, monkey-ish little ROBIN look-alike a.k.a. Nosyarg Kcid or Larry to give your ROBIN a pep talk, and they will at least get to save the day, even thought you're a bad owner and stupid and all.

Problem: Your ROBIN has gone into Insane, Aggressive and Hallucinating mode! And he's dead!

Solution: Your ROBIN might have inhaled some Magic Slade Dust© and now, he is currently on a rampage and ranting on about imaginary psychopaths that are out to get him. To solve this dilemma, frst purchase a STARFIRE unit that will starbolt your ROBIN to oblivion and knock him unconscious so he won't threaten people who manage to prance their way into his path of darkness. Secondly, get a RAVEN to poke inside ROBIN's crazy-doodle brain to tell him that his imaginary psychopath friend a.k.a. Slade is actually not real. Thirdly, just turn on the light and the evil wittle baddie Slade will disappear FOREVAH!

Note: If this does not work AT ALL, get a lawyer and sue CN for their mistakes with the Season Three episode "Haunted."

Problem: You ordered for a unit that who is a male teenager, whose costume contains a mask, belt, cape, gloves, and boots, is good in combat fighting and has unlimited supply to an array of gadgets, and says one-liners. Instead of receiving a unit with a red-green-yellow color scheme that made him look like he dressed in the dark and has very bad puns, you have gotten one with a red-black-white costume and is extremely witty, or one who looks like the original CN ROBIN but has worse hair, wears pixie boots and short shorts, and is very dopey-looking.

Solution: Next time, ask specifically for a CN Teen Titans ROBIN. You have received either a RED X unit or a DC Comics ROBIN. If you get the DC Comics version, please, I beg of you, ask for a refund, but if you have a RED X, why, by all means, why trade it in for a measly old ROBIN unit?

Problem: Your ROBIN unit is DEAD!

Solution: My dear, ROBIN cannot possibly be dead. If he is, the universe will fall apart and life will cease to exist_. (I swear!) _If he's merely gravelly injured, take him to the hospital and need not care too much. He'll live.

**Final Note:**

With proper maintenance and care, your ROBIN unit will live a kinda long, moderately prosperous, sometimes anti-crime life.

As a second note, please clearly state in your Last Will and Testament as to which of your descendants will receive custody of your ROBIN unit, to avoid subsequent legal proceedings in the courtroom after your death."

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When she finished, the book dropped from her hands as her gaze locked on the ROBIN unit inside the crate. With all the rules and all, this was gonna be harder than she thought; but hey, that will make things even more _interesting…_

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**end… or not?**

**-**

**a/n:** So, now what? Like it? Hate it? Think I should continue it? Well, if you want an update to this or manuals to other characters, you better

REVIEW!

PS Yes, I intentionally left out the identity of the girl. That's for me to know, and for you to never find out unless you

REVIEW!

And once again

**_REVIEW!_**


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